Many years ago, when my daughters were much younger, I was explaining the importance of delayed gratification (can you imagine how intolerable it would be having a father as a coach? Very… apparently). To demonstrate my point, I described the famous experiment conducted by Walter Mischel and his colleagues at Stanford University in the 1960s. To this, my daughter responded with overwhelming confidence, “I’d be really good at that!”

If you’re unfamiliar with the experiment, the marshmallow test aimed to study delayed gratification and self-control in children. In the experiment, a child was presented with a marshmallow and given a choice: they could eat the treat immediately, or they could wait for a short period (typically 15 minutes) and receive an additional treat as a reward. The results revealed that children who resisted the immediate temptation and waited for the reward tended to have better outcomes later in life, such as higher academic achievement, better social skills, and improved emotional regulation. This simple yet impactful experiment has been influential in psychology, sparking discussions on self-control, decision-making, and the nature of human behaviour.

Taken aback by such confidence, I asked, “Why do you say that?”

“I don’t like marshmallows,” she said smugly. Can you imagine how intolerable it would be to have such a smug child? I’d better not answer that!

Why this recollection came to mind after all these years is because I was debating in my mind whether it is always better to delay gratification for a future (but sometimes uncertain) reward, or to live in the moment—have your reward now and damn the consequences! After all, mindfulness practitioners often tell us that it is healthier to live in the moment, do they not?

For example, although I’ve got a few years to go, my wife and I are saving for retirement. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to have a few options when I get there. To achieve that, we have to make some sacrifices now. BUT, how many people do you know who have been whisked away from us in their prime? If they could pass on their wisdom, what would they tell us to do?

The other thing I’m doing is upping my exercise. I’m not training for anything in particular, but because I’m so funny, when asked, I often quip, “I’m training for middle age.” Although said in jest, I’m being very serious. Why? Because as we get older, especially over the age of 50, things start to go south very quickly. Therefore, the importance of staying in shape (increasing muscle mass and reducing fat) becomes crucial from a quality-of-life point of view. If, for example, you want to be able to tramp the same distance carrying a 10 kg weighted backpack in ten years that you do now, you need to be carrying a 20 kg weighted backpack because of the amount of strength (muscle mass) we lose over that time. If you’re in your 30s, you don’t need to worry so much about this now; however, make sure you pack this sage advice from Uncle Cillín away somewhere in your mental backpack because you’ll be thankful in 20 years.

So, what’s the answer? For me, the answer lies in our value system and our identity as a person. You see, for my daughter, not eating the marshmallow isn’t a sacrifice at all because she doesn’t like marshmallows; however, it also wouldn’t be a sacrifice for a person who simply didn’t eat sugar because of their value system. “Hi, Cillín, would you like a cigarette?” “No thank you, kind stranger, I don’t smoke.” Smoking isn’t part of my identity and therefore it’s not a sacrifice for me—no willpower is needed. So here’s my question for you: What beliefs do you have around your impulse control? Are you the type of person who gives in too quickly or, even if you used to, have you developed strategies to postpone gratification for a larger reward later down the track? Are you even tempted by life’s marshmallows because of your value system? Are you a saver rather than a spendthrift (identity statements)?

Are you interested in tools for building a high performing team? Then check out my new book ‘Now, Lead Others’.

If you’re interested in hearing more tips about how you can Unleash Your Potential or that of your team, please feel free to drop me a note. I’m always happy to share ideas and help where I can.

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“If only I had more time to get things done …” If this is a lament you say to yourself more often than not then it’s clear you need a new strategy. I’m not judging because I’ve caught myself saying this more than I care to admit but it got to a point at the beginning of this year when I had enough!

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Now that the election has come and gone my mind can’t help but jump back to the local Tauranga election in which Sam Uffindell was successful. He won and according to him in an earlier interview he has always been a winner; in fact, his dad instilled it in him. This comment raised a red flag for me becauseit seems to be a philosophy of life for Uffindell and considering his upbringing in private schools and his past behaviour he almost seems to be a poster child for what Ian Robertson terms The Winner Effect. It isn’t just Uffindell who has fallen foul to the dark side of winning. Simon Henry, through his disgraceful and arrogant comments about Nadia Lim last year, is also an example of someone who may have fallen foul to its seduction.

So what is The Winner Effect and how can we recognise it? 

When a person is prone to winning it becomes, like a drug, addictive. There is a certain ‘high’ that people get from winning that is produced by a heady cocktail of testosterone and dopamine, and, over time, due to chemical changes in the brain, leads to behaviours that can inevitably be the downfall of the winner. Dopamine, as you’re aware, fuels the brain’s reward system but when this system is hijacked through the use of cocaine, heroin, or other more behavioural rewards, such as the thrill of gambling or sex, then even higher levels of dopamine are needed to achieve the same ‘high’.

However, there is another natural reward that some people crave, and that is the reward of power. Power causes a surge of testosterone which in turn triggers the release of dopamine and anything that repeatedly and strongly triggers a surge in dopamine in the brain’s reward system runs the risk of unleashing the unquenchable cravings of an addict. This may be partly the reason why so many politicians and world leaders don’t want to step down or relinquish their hold over people; think of the likes of Stalin, Mao, Kim Il Sung, Mugabe and, more recently, Putin.

Now most CEOs and politicians aren’t drug addicts or gamblers but the effect of dopamine on the brain motivates you and sharpens your goal-achieving eye; hence increasing your risk taking behaviour. This heady cocktail of hormones also causes blinkers to our better judgement; we become tunnel-visioned and fail to heed the advice of others because, after all, we get a sense that we cannot fail – we’re winners. Unfortunately, other behaviours tend to emerge from these chemical changes over time, one of which is a reduction in empathy. We start to see others as objects, not as people but as pawns that we can manipulate for our own gain. We recognise that there are rules that we must abide by but we also believe that the rules that apply to the great unwashed don’t apply to us; entitlement is often the term used to describe this. We justify our treatment of others in ways such as, if I’m behaving this way to you, you must be a really bad person and you deserve it. As an example of the blindness that power-addled brains can portray we only need to go back to the beginning of the Global Financial Crisis. At the outset of the GFC the CEOs of some of America’s biggest banks and car manufacturers all flew by private jet when they were called to a meeting in Washington, and they couldn’t see why this was a problem. The brains of these immensely powerful men had been shaped by power so that it was difficult for them to see their actions as others saw them.

So why is it then that not all CEOs and those with great power bestowed on them turn into tyrants? The answer lies in a different type of power. When people go off the rails they tend to have a high need for personal gain; this type of power is categorised as p-power. However, those whose goals are more socially focused, whether for a group, an institution or for society in general, have what’s referred to as s-power. We all have the capacity for both types of power and it largely comes down to which type is more dominant. Those with s-power-dominance tend to have some moral standing and a concern for others. It’s important to note that in order to achieve great things we need p-power (goal achievement and all the hard work and singular focus that it brings) but in order to ensure it doesn’t take over we need to exercise our s-power. It’s the s-power that causes ‘activity inhibition’ which allows us a degree of self-judgement, self-control and good sense. In short, it gives us the ability to critically examine our own character. S-power not only tames p-power, it also dissolves the physiological linkage to testosterone and the competitive aggression that goes with it.

Therefore, the antidote to ego-driven p-power is self-reflection, practicing humility, and giving the power to others allowing them to make decisions that are right for them, and supporting others in the quest for a greater good.

If you’d like to know more about how to achieve more as an individual or as a team, or if you’d like to explore how coaching can help you become a better leader (of others or yourself!), or even if you’re just generally curious about what professional coaching can offer you, please contact us at any time for a free consultation.

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